“Rapists are basically superheteros.”
Posted May 24, 2008on:
The only reason I can give for choosing to excerpt this passage rather than any of the more respectable, representative excerpts is because it makes me laugh for about five minutes.
As a rule T. revealed little in the way of personal information, since Fulton did not seem to require it. For Fulton communication was a one-way street. And when, on occasion, T. chose to contribute to the conversation with a brief disclosure of his own, Fulton became bored and changed the subject.
“So my father,” said T. on the way to the racquet club one Wednesday, reclining in the leather passenger seat of Fulton’s Land Cruiser, “used to be an ad executive in Manhattan, but now he mixes drinks at a transvestite bar in Key West.”
“He turned gay?”
“I guess so.”
“Huh,” said Fulton, hunching down and squinting into the side-view mirror. “Did you see that? Asian woman in the Hyundai almost rear-ended me.”
“No. Didn’t see.”
“Asians can’t drive for shit.”
“Might want to keep that insight to yourself.”
“It’s not exactly a secret, T. Damn you’re a rube. Disoriented Orientals. Ring a bell?”
“If the poor woman had rear-ended this car she would have been killed instantly.”
“You gotta watch out, T.,” said Fulton, shaking his head. “That stuff’s in the genes. You could turn homo too.”
“You think so?”
“Watch out for it. If you feel the urge, rent a copy of Anal Alley and have a jerkoff marathon.”
“That’s very helpful.”
“What am I saying? That’s like offering smack to a guy on methadone. Better stay around the front side, T. Avoid the ass region completely.”
“Janet’s sister’s church has this deal where they deprogram them. I don’t think it works though.”
“No? Doesn’t work?”
“It’s a boot camp. They tell them man-boy love is the work of Satan. They bring in the straight guys to teach them how to act straight. Like you’re not allowed to smoke, it’s faggy. Then they lock them up in small rooms and yell their heads off at them. ‘Repent, sinners! For the sake of Jesus Christ Our Lord, cast out the homo devil from your butt!’ It’s kind of like hardcore bondage and domination. It’s supposed to scare them straight but I think it actually makes them horny. Some Christian faggots actually hook up there. Serious. It’s basically a dating service for Christian homos.”
“What does Janet’s sister think of that?”
“She put her son in it and he came out with a brand-new assfriend. That’s how she found out the real deal. I have a faggot nephew.
“I didn’t know.”
“No blood relation though. Janet’s side of the family only. My genes are pure hetero. I had a great-grandfather who was a rapist.”
“Yeah. The guy raped. Rapists are basically superheteros. A rapist is a hetero on steroids.”
“That’s quite a theory you got there.”
“I forgot to tell you, you gotta use the shit racquet today. The titanium’s being restrung.”
From How the Dead Dream by Lydia Millet, Soft Skull Press.